The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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