He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
