I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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