we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
