Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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