I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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