mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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