he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Randomize