You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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