You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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