her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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