You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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