That's when you crack a 10am beer
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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