just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
