Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The air taste purple.
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