hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
