i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
