They should really pass out barf bags in church
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
