Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
