I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize