If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
