I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
