I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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