I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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