How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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