Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
