I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
