And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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