Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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