I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
