I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
