You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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