Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
