Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
