just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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