oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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