so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
As shirtless as possible
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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