He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize