Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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