at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
