Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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