thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize