You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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