upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
