I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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