so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
