guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
