I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
