I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
