I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
