Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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