i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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