I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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