Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
