My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
