Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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